15 seemingly everyday things that I cannot do

March 30, 2009 at 12:58 pm 6 comments

  1. Read in the bathtub.  I hate the feeling of having my hands above the hot water, and I dread the idea of dropping my book.  It’s the worst kind of torture, because it really does sound like the best way to bath.
  2. Whistle.  Never have, likely never will.
  3. Long division.  If my kids are expecting help with their homework, they have another thing coming.
  4. Keep my room tidy.  The culprit boils down to two things: stray papers (assignments mostly) and laundry.
  5. Chai tea.  I don’t get it.  It’s like Kensington Market in a drink.  That’s not a good thing.
  6. Ignore the television. Seriously, I want to see what Billy Mays’ Mighty Putty can do for me.
  7. Study for a test more than two days in advance.  You know, I think I WILL go for a two hour walk. In the rain.
  8. See someone lighting a BBQ or a fireplace and not think darkly to myself “You’re doing it wrong”.
  9. Sleep in with someone else. Because it’s such a nice DAY outside!
  10. Not blog when I have an idea for a blog post.  Like making lists.
  11. Fold laundry in my regular clothes.  For some reason, messing around with the warm laundry while wearing jeans has this negative reaction with my skin and I end up sweaty and itchy and tired.  It’s pajamas or nothing.
  12. Go to sleep without browsing the Internet first. The Web is my first, my last, my everything.
  13. Listen to music without air-drumming, -guitaring, -bassing, bouncing my feet.  *points at head* Up here, it’s fucking Royal Albert Hall every day.
  14. Avoid panic when I can’t find my stupid hat.  It really doesn’t look that good on me, but I have some kind of soul connection to that hat that sends me into Fight Mode if someone takes it off of me, or hides it.  Ugh.
  15. Not follow the Regular Wash Protocol when I shower.  Left arm, left collarbone, back of neck, shoulders, chest, stomach, legs, right arm, armpits, behind ears, shampoo, face, shampoo/face rinse, stand immobile under hot water for a few minutes.  In that exact order, every time.

Entry filed under: Uncategorized.

AWOL You can keep your yellow dots…

6 Comments Add your own

  • 1. travis  |  March 30, 2009 at 11:25 pm

    Other than 9, 10, 11 and 14, we’re the same. Also: there is no such thing as Regular Wash Protocol. This is Canada, comrade, you can shower however you want.

  • 2. stevewoodhead  |  March 31, 2009 at 2:53 pm

    Regular Wash Protocol makes for strong limbs, makes for harder toil in fields, makes for strong proletariat uprising, makes for glory of excellent Woodhead Race.

    Or it might just be OCD.

  • 3. youngromantic  |  March 31, 2009 at 4:02 pm

    This is hilarious. I was also going to write a blog about why I’m the most awkward person on the planet. In list form.

    As for #5 . . . REALLY? I love your description though, but have you actually really tasted it? It’s spicy heaven in a cup. I think it’s kind of funny that “chai” actually means “tea,” so when you’re asking for a “chai tea” you’re asking for a “tea tea.”

    Food for thought.

  • 4. stevewoodhead  |  April 1, 2009 at 10:02 am

    Reeaally…I didn’t know that about “Chai”. It reminds me of that scene from Mickey Blue Eyes, where Hugh Grant is going on and on about his fiancee’s father and how he named his restaurant incorrectly:

    “He named it The La Trattoria?”
    “But…La is Italian for “the”. So it’s actually called The The Trattoria”

    And so on. Hilarity ensues, Grant must pretend he’s in the Mob.

    Where were we? Right. Chai. Not for me. It’s muddy and brown and I find the taste too cloying. Give me something fresh and lemony. English Breakfast all the way.

  • 5. cait  |  April 1, 2009 at 10:39 pm

    Also! Also! Mansion House… you know the bar?

    oh shit. I just noticed that house in french is masion, not mansion. so it’s not house house. maaaan, i’ve been going around telling that joke to everybody.

    did you know, steve, that I happen to be the owner of some lemon breakfast chai tea bags. we just might get you there yet!

  • 6. 10 things that I CAN do « A Stiff Upper Lip  |  November 2, 2009 at 9:40 pm

    […] 2, 2009 A little while back I posted a list of 15 seemingly everyday things I cannot do, which put my uselessness into harsh perspective for a few months.  So, I figured I would make a […]


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About Upper Lip

It's mostly a collection of sweet links and copious amounts of talk talk talk. I like it more and more every day. And yes, even the ugly blue/green color scheme is not without a certain charm.

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